It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

I turned 50 a couple weeks ago. I felt pretty good about turning 50 or so I thought.

For months my family had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, an exotic trip or a party or perhaps a night out on the town, all great options. What I wanted, I told them was to have a lease signed on a studio. That would be the best present in the world. But over two years of looking was beginning to weigh heavily on me. If I was barking up the wrong tree and having my own place just wasn’t in the stars, then I needed a sign to let it go. That would be a gift also.

The stars did align and on April 30 I signed a lease. Happy Birthday To Me!

So why on May 16, when I woke up to the big 5-0, did I start the day with uncontrollable weeping? Why, dear God why, if anyone said Happy Birthday to me, I started crying? If I read a birthday wish on my computer…tears. Out for a walk with my husband on a spectacular spring day, a day I should have been enjoying, all I could do was cry. We had planned to go out for a wonderful dinner, but I couldn’t even do that. My family ended up cooking a delicious meal here at our house.

Then guilt crept into the whole, ugly mess. Why? Because I have so much in my life to be thankful for like an amazing, supportive family and friends; a strong, loving marriage; an exciting new chapter beginning in my career. I had no right to cry. I was just having myself a “pity party” as my mom use to call them. SNAP OUT OF IT!

But I couldn’t. So, my friends, I had to practice what I teach. Honoring my body, mind and spirit on this particular day, feeling and letting go of judgment. For whatever reason, my 50^th birthday was a catalyst for a big, fat, huge release of emotions that had been building for many months and I needed to let it all out in order to move forward.

I felt better towards the end of the day. Though I will have to say a nice glass of wine and an enormous piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles helped a bit too!

Cheers to turning 50!