Monday, May 31, 2010

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

I turned 50 a couple weeks ago. I felt pretty good about turning 50 or so I thought.

For months my family had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, an exotic trip or a party or perhaps a night out on the town, all great options. What I wanted, I told them was to have a lease signed on a studio. That would be the best present in the world. But over two years of looking was beginning to weigh heavily on me. If I was barking up the wrong tree and having my own place just wasn’t in the stars, then I needed a sign to let it go. That would be a gift also.

The stars did align and on April 30 I signed a lease. Happy Birthday To Me!

So why on May 16, when I woke up to the big 5-0, did I start the day with uncontrollable weeping? Why, dear God why, if anyone said Happy Birthday to me, I started crying? If I read a birthday wish on my computer…tears. Out for a walk with my husband on a spectacular spring day, a day I should have been enjoying, all I could do was cry. We had planned to go out for a wonderful dinner, but I couldn’t even do that. My family ended up cooking a delicious meal here at our house.

Then guilt crept into the whole, ugly mess. Why? Because I have so much in my life to be thankful for like an amazing, supportive family and friends; a strong, loving marriage; an exciting new chapter beginning in my career. I had no right to cry. I was just having myself a “pity party” as my mom use to call them. SNAP OUT OF IT!

But I couldn’t. So, my friends, I had to practice what I teach. Honoring my body, mind and spirit on this particular day, feeling and letting go of judgment. For whatever reason, my 50th birthday was a catalyst for a big, fat, huge release of emotions that had been building for many months and I needed to let it all out in order to move forward.

I felt better towards the end of the day. Though I will have to say a nice glass of wine and an enormous piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles helped a bit too!

Cheers to turning 50!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Leap And The Net Will Appear

Back in November 2007 I wrote to you about beginning the search for my own studio space here in Vienna. So I am thrilled to inform you that I signed a three-year lease on a place this past week! A long time coming.

It has been one heck of a bumpy ride filled with many rough patches along the way. Through it all I have learned so much, not only about commercial real estate and bureaucracy, stuff I knew would come with this journey, but about myself too. What I didn’t expect was how much I would grow personally and spiritually. I have been pushed to do some things way beyond my comfort zone, like negotiating a lease. But with the advice from good friends, I managed to do a pretty good job.

Spiritually, I developed a daily prayer and meditation time that has sustained me. It is here that I began to notice changes taking place internally and I also learned an important lesson…be careful what you pray for! The answers to my prayers were not always what I expected nor wanted, but what I needed, which at times created disappointment and even sadness. Hey, but at the end of the day everything worked out exactly the way it should. Funny how that is!

I have experienced a whole slue of emotions in the last few days. From excitement and tears of joy to fear and brief moments of “oh crap, what have I done,” then rinse and repeat 50 times!

Even though I share my journey with you, what it ultimately comes down to is not about “me” but about “us”. Therefore your ideas, feedback, suggestions, thoughts and feelings are so important. I cannot impress this enough. Please share with me any ideas you may have regarding classes, scheduling, teachers you would like see come on board, workshop suggestions, anything really. All communication lines are open. Your input will be vitally important as we move forward to being a success!

And finally, there are not enough words to express my love and gratitude to everyone. Okay so I don’t have to get all mushy and weepy, I’ll just leave it at that.